Your needs are valid

Your needs are valid

 

Your needs are valid.

 

If you have been impacted by developmental trauma, there are certain core needs for safety and validation of your emerging self that simply went unmet. And they didn’t go anywhere. Your personality and ways of functioning in the world had to develop around them – perhaps over compensate in some way, or pull back and try not to have the needs or put down having needs at all.

These developmental needs might drive behaviours in yourself you don’t like, as you try to live in the world without these needs having been met. Your nervous system and self-identity are ‘incomplete’ and in a constant state of:

  • Ignoring the need
  • Trying to be bigger than the need
  • Overcompensating
  • Trying to numb out from the feeling of the need being unmet
  • Coming from a ‘push’ or control energy to try to get the need met
  • Focussing too much on meeting the needs of others over your own, because somehow that’s easier to do

The longer you use these strategies, particularly when you’re using them unconsciously, two things will happen:

  • You will start to feel more hopeless or despairing, because the strategies don’t really solve the problem of the unmet developmental needs
  • The strategies themselves will start to cause problems:
    • people may find you ‘clingy’ or ‘needy’ and not want to be around you,
    • people might find you pushy or controlling or needing to have the last word and not want to be vulnerable around you
    • people might see you as ‘super-human’ and feel like they can’t get close to you
    • the stuff you do to numb out becomes a problem habit or an addiction (drink, drugs, spending money, over exercising, controlling eating or over eating, over working, disconnecting from people)
    • you become exhausted from the never-ending pit of other people’s problems and don’t learn to recognise and more effectively meet your own needs or invite meeting of them by another

See if you can slow down a moment and notice what your needs are right now.  Validate them for yourself – ‘it’s normal and human that I would want or need that’.  See if you can kindly acknowledge and validate to yourself what you genuinely need right now – go down through the layers. 

Whether this need is being well met now or not, whether you can see a pathway for it to be met or not.

Exercise: 

Slow down a moment, take a breath, make contact with your body in some way and allow this need.  Make kind, validating contact with it.  And perhaps for all the patience and twists and turns and silent agonies your life has taken while this need has not been met,

Acknowledge and love on the need.

rewire 4 life blog

Articles, videos and resources for healing complex and relational trauma.

Contact

Contact

Contact.

It’s starts when we are young and the contact and care are chaotic or disrupted or unpredictable or just not there. Maybe abuse is there instead or as well as love.

It goes underground.  On the outside a part of us functions and copes. Another whole world inside is hidden, cut off, numbed out. We lose touch with our body, our sense of self and purpose and basic goodness. Body systems go haywire and can’t harmonise. The adaptations start to cause problems – in our immune, digestive, endocrine, musculoskeletal systems. Our stress response has two modes – “I burnt the coffee, were all gonna die high alert” or ” I burnt the coffee, there is no hope and nothing more but to shut back down.

The internal flow, awareness and connection that supports good things in our life, struggles and collapses when we need it most.

Life gets hard, but we don’t know why. We are good at coping.  But life gets harder and coping gets more critical. It affect our relationships, health, finances, social support. More adapting and coping because we are resilient people. A growing sense that it didn’t or doesn’t need to be this way.

Living becomes an isolated existence, isolated from fragments of our selves, from caring others, from our body and sensuality, from the realisation of the rich full potential of who we are.

Loss of critical contact is how is starts.  Bringing back in the critical contact is how it heals. Contact with your body to start, to make it safe and bring it online.  Then contact with lost fragments, broken dreams and carefully power packs of purpose and mission in life. Contact with how frangipanis smell and how the energy in your body moves.

Contact with your deepest truest self and what it wants so desperately to experience and achieve in the world. Contact with the awareness within you that you are one with, connected to and breathing in harmony.

It states with broken contact.

It ends with contact. Deep, pure, playful, purposeful, both freeing and fulfilling your soul.

Contact.  Knowing somewhere is there, that they get you and have your back. They are your middle of the night person.

Contact.  Feeling your occupation of your own body.

Contact. With your whole self and all your parts and the soul expression that drives them.

Contact. True contact and sense of acceptance, care and validation from the world out there.

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This isn’t for everyone. This is for those of you who have fought and struggled and fallen and fought again. You may have tried a bunch of things, a string of doctors and therapists and spiritual practices. Or maybe you held it all in and pushed through, but your health is showing the signs of that and a part of you so deep inside knows it can be different, longs for a life that is more “yours”.

rewire 4 life blog

Articles, videos and resources for healing complex and relational trauma.

Crayons, drums and layers

Crayons, drums and layers

Healing trauma is a lot about working with the body’s natural rhythms, creating an environment of warm attunement, where safety is felt and a kind of natural alchemy can happen between body based trauma memory and more resourceful states.

It can be helpful to use tools and processes that directly access non-verbal brain domains and felt sense present moment experiencing.

Coloured crayons ???? on a blank page can help ground and strengthen an internal shift.

A drum ???? beat or the movement of banging it can regulate heart rhythm and bring a sense of safety and containment.

Therapy can be a very beautiful multi-layered experience of freeing, grounding and expressing your true self. ☀️☀️

rewire 4 life blog

Articles, videos and resources for healing complex and relational trauma.

You’re strong because you’ve had to be.

You’re strong because you’ve had to be.

You’re strong because you’ve had to be. Life hasn’t worked out the way you expected. It’s hard.

You wonder about the parallel you and life you could have had.

You’ve learned a lot. Books and workshops and all kinds of therapy, because you know you are more than your current circumstances.

There’s a dream in there, dusty as it may be.

You may feel desperate at time, or stuff it down at others.

Let me help you join the dots, follow the trail, the misty haze from early life, that you thought you had left behind long ago.

To see how adverse childhood experiences saw your brain adapt, your nervous system work harder, your mind swing from pushing through to breaking down.

Again and again.

Let me help you soften and open enough for the authentic you to rise up and fill the space.

Let me help you to breathe freely and create your life, moment to moment, from this wise and alive place inside you.

That is also awake and intelligent and flowing in the world around you.

It all is you.

rewire 4 life blog

Articles, videos and resources for healing complex and relational trauma.